Since we last spoke (um, a while ago now), I moved away from Toronto. Mike did, too, a month before me. That meant that I had to pack up our chaotically full house all by myself, and to learn some valuable life lessons along the way. I am here to share these lessons with you, so that you don’t make the same mistakes I made.
(Disclaimer: Before the ‘What the shit, Mike?!’ brigade turns up, I chose to stay an extra month and sort things out. He paid for the move, so I figured it would be a fair trade if I did the work for it. It also bought me more time with my wonderfully farty newborn nephew.)
If you’re moving away…
Do throw a going-away party. Use Solo cups and paper plates, even though you haven’t begun packing your dishes yet.
Don’t earnestly promise each friend, as they leave your going-away party, that you’ll hang out with them one last time before you leave (especially if you’re leaving 5 days later).
Don’t leave 98% of your packing for the last 4 days before the move. You will find yourself at the mercy of unforeseen disasters, such as last-minute illness. Speaking of…
Don’t get sick in the last 4 days before the move.
Do enlist the aid of Joanne. Joanne is the nice lady from Kijiji who is taking your piano. While waiting for the piano movers to arrive, Joanne will perform such tasks as wrapping your dishes in newspaper, gently sympathising with your nasty cold, and strong-arming reluctant LCBO employees into giving you boxes.
Don’t forget to eat all day because you’re sick and have lost your appetite.
Do allow awesome friends to come over and feed you, in place of those final hangs you promised at your going-away party.
Don’t leave important tasks, such as disposing of ca. 1 tonne of junk, until the last few hours before your flight.
Do enlist the aid of Gord. Gord is your brother, who has a good head on his shoulders and happens to know where the nearest dump is.
Don’t ugly-cry the moment you must depart for the airport, leaving you with no time to pull your face back together before your 12-hour string of flights.
Do buy a mini-bottle of wine on the plane and watch a terrible Sherlock Holmes movie that prominently features Jude Law’s face.